Personal 27 May 2004 07:51 pm
Irresponsibility
Here it is, about twenty minutes before I have to leave for a class I don't want to take, and by all rights, shouldn't have to take. I seem to have lost the argument with the school administration regarding Writing 2, which obviously sucks. But that's not what's annoying me at the moment.
What's under my skin is me. This situation should never have occurred. The reason I'm taking this class again is because I did the big research paper in Writing 2 at MCP, and I got a 99.75. The highest grade anyone has ever gotten on a research paper ever at this school with that professor. So what did I do? I stopped going to class because it was a waste of my time. (I could have told anyone that when I started, but whatever.) Yeah, really smart. So I got an incomplete, which basically has translated into an F. So I got fucked.
It's my own fucking fault. Just like it's my own fucking fault that I fucked off in Organic Chemistry 2 (and 1) and ended up with a C+ instead of an A. I started out with a 39 and then a 23 on the first two organic 2 exams (out of four total). One was a drop grade, and the other I had to leave on there. Shit. I fucked myself good that time, and I fucked myself good in Statistics as well. I easily could have had an A, but instead of going to class consistently, I got irritated with always being called on (though it massaged my ego) as a last resort if no one else could answer a question. And then I didn't study for that final after not going to class consistently for the final three weeks of class. Fuck. And then Physics. I had a 100 on the first two exams, and then I got a 75 on the third and who knows how well I did on the final. Why? Because I didn't go to class.
I'm rather tired of this cycle. I should be on the Dean's List, but I'm shooting myself in the foot every time I make a stupid decision. I started to not do that at the end of this last semester which is why my organic grade went up, along with a lot of help from Kim. Shit, there are so many people not as gifted as me that get much higher grades because I'm such a fuckup. It just angers me that I let myself slip into mediocrity when I could achieve so much more. I've had to put off a few dreams because of a GPA not high enough (being SGA treasurer, which Kim now is; I find the irony of this amusing and sad, though perhaps it's better that we didn't run against one another for the sake of peace in our relationship), as well as wanting to be on the Dean's list. It's like I have macroscopic ADD. If the class is brief enough, I do well, because I don't have enough time to get bored with it and stop going. This is why I got an A in Calc 2 last summer. And this is why I am taking Biochem I and II this summer: because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll be screwed next year.
I'm not stupid; I know everyone makes mistakes, but I keep making the same one: letting my apathy get the best of me in the middle of the semester, and then scrambling to get my shit together as time winds down. I also know that I've told myself that it will never happen again many times, and yet it still does. But I'm not going to let it get the best of me this summer dammit. I have to do well in all three of my classes now. No more bullshit. I'll worry about the Fall semester gets here, but for God's sake, I want the Dean's list, and then Rho Chi. Fucking A, my Adderall is in full force right now, which usually makes me very happy, but now it's just making me vow to not be a fuckup for the rest of the summer. Odd when happiness turns inward and turns into introspection.
I'm going to get an(other) A in Writing 2.
I'm going to get an A in Biochem 1.
I'm going to get an A in Biochem 2.
Come hell or high water…
