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I had my colonoscopy today, and it was one of the worst experiences I've ever had. I was talking to the nurses when they gave me the Versed and Fentanyl. Anyway, that's always a nice feeling as the euphoria and warmth hits you.

So I probably fell asleep except for the last, worst part. Going through my colon was no problem, I don't remember that at all, which means I was probably asleep. Then all of a sudden incredible pain. I remember jerking up (I was laying on my side) and one of the nurses caught me. They turned me on my back with my legs spread, and the pain stopped just as quickly as it had come.

Anyway all of a sudden it started again and I ended up trying to get up, The nurse caught me again and pinned me down, and I remember yelling and begging them to stop, and I bit her shoulder. I remember them saying a few minutes later that they were done, and I was awake while they took the scope out, which was painless.

It turns out that the pain hit when they entered the small intestine, which is apparently still inflamed — which likely means Crohn's. I am not happy about this. Anyway, it was the worst most awful feeling ever because the pain is deep way up inside of you and all you want to do is make it stop but you can't. I didn't cry but I sure wanted to. I have to say, that nurse was pretty fucking strong, because I'm pretty strong and she had no trouble holding me down. They took some biopsies, and I'm supposed to call them in five business days to get the results.

She was cool about it afterwards and said I did fine. I dunno — maybe I did, but I felt like I acted like a baby. Honestly it hurt so bad I can't even describe it. The cramps that sent me to the ER were nothing compared to this pain. Nothing.

They wheeled me to the recovery room and I slept for *maybe* five minutes. The nurses thought that was weird — they had given me all of the drugs that they'd brought (which is unusual), but I was still up and about much quicker than most people. Most people sleep for 30 minutes at least, but I was raring to go as soon as they were done. Same story with my wisdom teeth: as soon as they were done I wanted to go. Anyway, I left about 15 minutes after they were done. I don't really remember much until about an hour after the procedure. I was awake and interacting with people, but they're all little snapshots as though I was sleep walking it.

I'm a little tired now, but I made a shitload of home-made potato chips and a steak, and I'm full and happy for the first time in a few days.

I'm so glad it's over, I don't want to repeat the experience, and if I do have to do it again, complete anesthesia is the only way I will do it. No more of the conscious sedation bullshit. It hurts WAY too much.

Random note: My heart skipped a beat while I was attached to the EKG machine and it sounded completely normal. I thought that was weird. It was just before I went under — I was idly wondering what it would sound like if I skipped one, and then it happened. Completely normal. I find that reassuring.

So hungry.

The douchebags at Beth Israel moved my colonoscopy from 9.30am to 2.30pm. That means no food for an extra four hours because I have so much more weight that I can afford to lose.

Thanks a lot, fuckers!

I think I'm going to have steak for dinner tomorrow. And maybe some pork chops and home-made french fries. Home-made french fries rule.

Norah Jones, MC Hammer, and Celine Dion. And Vincent van Gogh.

Yes you, too, can create masterpieces of art by taking digoxin, cocaine, and absynthe while weilding a paint brush. I hear that's what all the cool kids do.

:dance:

I turn 22 on Wednesday. I feel like I'm getting old heh. I know I'm not, but it's still weird. I've been able to legally drink for a year (not that big of a deal, btw).

I checked my bodyfat index today: 9.2%. Hell yeah. I've been eating like a horse since I got out of the hospital but mostly only fiber and protein, coupled with a regular gym schedule. RAAAAR!

I had some other semi-significant/cool things to say, but I've forgotten them all now. I guess I'm getting old. :'(

I think I hurt myself today on the flat bench. Oops. My triceps feel all weird because I did two reps wrong. I'm so daft sometimes.

I need to start working out my legs.

I can't stop laughing.

Bunny suicides.

Holy crap.

On the fifth day, which was a Sunday, it rained very hard. I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.

–Christopher, page 103
the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon

For breakfast I had an entire thing of fresh strawberries and a banana. With water.

For a snack I had a handful of ritz crackers, some more strawberries. More water.

For lunch I had mashed potatoes, turkey, and gravy. More water. *Huge* portions of each.

For another snack, I had more ritz crackers, some water, and a half a protein shake.

Then I went to the gym.

Then I came back and I had some more water, another half a protein shake.

Then I ate a half a head of lettuce, 1.5 cans of tuna fish with miracle whip and pepper, two apples, a huge dill pickle, more water, and some more ritz crackers. Then I had a HoHo or whatever the hell they're called.

Then I took a nap.

For a snack I just ate another banana.

I'll probably do another half a protein shake before bed tonight and perhaps something a little more substantial in the way of food. No more crackers or bananas or strawberries. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly on multigrain bread. Maybe I'll finish the rest of the tuna and skip the protein shake I dunno.

Does this seem weird to anyone else?

Non-Sequiter, from today.

Clicky.

I'd inline it, but it would screw up the formatting because it's too wide.

…the ability to create, and how what I am learning does not enable me to create. Pharmacy is great, don't get me wrong, but what we learn is just stuff. There's nothing wrong with this, but it doesn't satisfy me in the same way that computer science did so many years ago.

What I was learning at UMass enabled me to work creative problems and programs of my own. Not that they were great programs, but they were my creations. Pharmacy… well with pharmacy there's not much you can create. Perhaps cocaine, but that's only if you're able to get your hands on the necessary ingredients and tools to make it. With programming, all you need is a text editor, a compiler, and an idea.

Pharmacy just doesn't satisfy the creative side with me. Perhaps that's why I'm so restless much of the time.

I miss it.