There’s a bizarre misconception that pharmacies have a Batphone that connects us with The Doctor at the push of a button. Anytime, anywhere.

The Batphone phenomenon generally rears its ugly head on the weekends or after hours when someone inevitably needs a refill on their Allegra, or their kid’s fluoride prescription has run out of fills, or their Patanol copayment is higher than they’d like it to be. Eleventh Law stuff.

I’ve had people literally scream obscenities at me because I won’t give out the doctor’s special phone number. You know, the magic one that all you doctors have to every other doctor on the planet so you can have your secret conversations with one another and that pharmacies can use periodically when there’s a medical emergency. Like that Patanol copayment. That super special phone that’s never busy, and doesn’t get answered by the front desk.

Why oh why are you holding out on us, doctors?? WHY???