This has nothing to do with medicine, and at last count, the F-word is used 22 times in the space of one paragraph. And probably another 22 times outside that paragraph. If that bothers you, go no further.

Things were winding down after a cookout yesterday, and I was going to let my cousin drive my new car. Now that I’m quite proficient at driving a stick, it’s rather difficult for me to just toss me keys to someone and say “Here! Have fun!” whereas before it was a relief to let someone else drive.

So I usually have to drive for a few minutes and THEN switch to get my overwhelming desire to drive MY car out of my system.

Anyway, we were driving on some back country roads in Windham in a really wealthy section of town when I feel something touch me just above my left ass cheek. Like something had landed. I flinched and swatted at it. A split second later and BAM. It felt like I’d been stabbed. No burning, no itch just a fuckload of PAIN.

I jam on the brakes — it so happened that I was approaching a stop sign — slapping at the spot swearing like a sonofabitch. I jump out of the car and start dancing around like a maniac.

My cousin’s freaking out because she has no idea what’s going on, because neither of us saw the hornet. I still didn’t know what really had happened at that point. I just knew that I felt an uncontrollable need to jump out of the car and dance around screaming “FUCK” at the top of my lungs.

“What the fuck! Jesus fuck what the fuck was that FUCK FUCK FUCK You’ve got to be fucking kidding me what the FUCK how the fuck did that WHAT THE FUCK JESUS CHRIST FUCKING FUCK on a fucking motorFUCK that hurts like a Fucking sonofaFUCK What the HELL, man. FUCK jesus tapdancing FUCK on a fucking FUCK what the CHRIST FUCK FUCK FUCK You’ve got to be fucking KIDDING ME. Fuck!” Ad nauseum for a solid 60 seconds.

I was completely incomprehensible. In total freak-out mode. I forgot how much it hurts to be stung by a bee, and having it happen while driving made it all the worse…

But of course, the icing on the cake was this family going by on their bicycles — mom and dad with three kids all under the age of ten — watching me dance around in the middle of the road screaming “FUCK” at the top of my lungs swatting at my ass with both car doors open, my cousin staring at me bug-eyed trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

We finally locate the hornet, and somehow it manages to fly away (I hope you die in a fire!), and I calm down enough to actually try to crane my head around to see where it got me.

Fucking bastard got me just above my right ass cheek. I still have a bit of a welt, and it’s been nearly 24 hours. I have NO idea how it got into the car, or how it managed to get me THERE on the RIGHT HAND SIDE practically smothered in the seat without either of us seeing it before it happened.

I can only imagine what I must have looked like dancing around. Hahaha…

When I got back into the car, I was amazed that the engine was still running. I don’t remember pulling it out of gear and ripping the handbrake, but there it was, parked all nicely. Somehow. Thankfully. Otherwise it probably would have rolled ahead into the family riding by…

Here’s a picture of one of its bretheren: