This post was originally going to entitled Metronidazole: a haiku. Alas, I suck at writing haikus. Yes, dear reader, there is more to a good haiku than 17 syllables. By the way, did you ever marvel at the irony of learning haiku in an English class? I always did, but my teachers were always more interested in teaching it than arguing about it. I was always of the mind that arguing > haiku, but they always disagreed.

That’s probably they were English teachers in the first place.

Oh, right. This is a pharmacy blog, so back to pharmacy. Specifically to metronidazole AKA Flagyl AKA Shai’tan, AKA Lucifer, the Morning Star himself.

The gods have seen fit to curse me several times throughout my life with the scourge that is metronidazole. I take it (along with a fluouroquinolone) when my Crohn’s flares up, and it works well. Thus far, I have successfully avoided taking any immunomodulators or steroids. But metronidazole has some totally rad side effects. And by “totally rad” I mean “the worst ever.”

First is the taste. It comes in three parts. The first is that awesome nastiness that’ll make you gag as soon as it hits your tongue if you’re not ready for it. Then there’s the lingering powdery residue that no amount of food or orange juice can seem to scrub away. The third part is the full-blown taste perversion that comes a day or so later: that dull throb that wears you down slowly instead of the sharp pain that makes you gasp. That taste that makes you feel as though you’re sucking on a sewer pipe while your gums bleed profusely into the fetid mess each and every time you take a breath.

Bottoms up, friend. It’s only day 2 of 10.

Then there’s the smell perversion, where everything that’s good and sweet in this world turns to ash and dust. Coffee. Pineapple. Chocolate. Forget about sticking your nose near any of it. Then there’s the urine which looks to be made of equal parts blood and urine. Which itself smells like liquid death. (Asparagus has got nothing on Flagyl-piss.) You look in the toilet afterwards and expect to see bits of protein next time as your kidney slowly liquefies itself.

Some say I should count myself fortunate that I don’t seem to experience any psych side effects like depression or nightmares. But I think I’d take nightmares over constant sewer mouth.

Tomorrow marks the last day of a ten day course of this shit, and it can’t come soon enough. The side effects seem to intensify with each round. Or is it that I become less patient? Thankfully Christmas only seems to come once a year so far. The only thing that helps is ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream so I can freeze my mouth and get ten blessed minutes of nothing.

I think if I had mortal enemies, I’d provide them with a lifetime supply of metronidazole, 500mg TID to be taken with only a swallow of water each time.

If you enjoyed this, or have taken Flagyl/metronidazole in the past, you may enjoy this entry about the (lack of) alcohol+Flagyl reaction.